Couples - How to Build a Healthy Relationship and Make it Last?
I have worked in many places around the globe treating couples and supervising therapists from different social and cultural backgrounds, and I realized an interesting fact - couples experience similar issues when their relationship is in danger. The main issues are associated with trust, commitment, intimacy, and communication. If those issues are not adequately addressed, they may jeopardize a relationship. This blog will explore these issues and what you need to bring back joy and excitement into your relationship.
Lack of trust.
Lack of trust is one of the main reasons that bring couples to therapy, and without trust, couples can live together but rarely will connect on a deep level. Without trust, the chances for your relationship to survive are minimum, especially if your partner has good self-esteem and is financially independent. Common issues that jeopardize trust include lack of commitment, infidelity, not following agreements, and little or big lies.
Lack of commitment.
Lack of commitment is a common complaint in couples' therapy. Some issues associated with lack of commitment include not feeling valued, respected, or considered part of their partners' life or plans. Many couples live together but allow interference from extended family members, friends and work into their relationship. Others change behavior or break agreements according to the situation, making one feel that the other part is not committed.
Lack of intimacy.
Lack of intimacy is a significant issue in a couple's relationship. Intimacy entails physical, sexual, and emotional aspects. Physical intimacy refers to the kind of physical connection between you two. How often do you touch, kiss, hug, hold hands, or cuddle?
Emotional intimacy is the ability to grasp your partner's emotions without even speaking about them. Do you know how to differentiate distinct looks from your partner or read your partner's non-verbal communication? Do you know how to recognize your partner's emotional needs?
Sexual intimacy - I separate sexual from physical intimacy because many couples are very connected physically but not sexually and vice versa. How do you feel sexually connected with your partner? Do you have quality sexual intimacy? How do you feel before and after sexual intercourse?
Many factors can make a couple lose intimacy. Sometimes the lack of intimacy is from only one side; sometimes, it is from both. It is essential to explore and identify the main reasons, individually and as a couple. A typical issue may be an ongoing negative interaction or communication pattern, building up negative feelings. Life transition is another issue that may distance couples. Examples of life transitions include loss of loved ones, newborns, empty nest, illness, career change, hormonal changes, retirement, and disease. Other issues involve taking others for granted, lack of trust and commitment, physical or emotional abuse, infidelity, and long-term relationships.
Poor communication.
Poor communication is a common issue among couples. Many of them describe feeling like there is a wall between them. Others do not feel heard or valued. The more they cannot communicate properly, the more anger, resentment, frustration, and sadness may increase, resulting in the distance and verbal or physical abuse.
Four Tips to Foster a Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationship.
A healthy relationship requires a lot of work to foster trust, commitment, intimacy, and good communication. Fostering the above components demands time, consistency, patience, focus, and dedication. However, those who work toward a healthy relationship feel the experience is rewarding and worth it. Research shows that healthy relationships are one of the main components of well-being, quality of life, and physical and emotional health. Therefore, to foster a long-lasting relationship, couples need to safeguard the four pillars of a healthy relationship: commitment, trust, intimacy, and communication.
Building trust.
Each of you must understand what triggers the lack of trust, and you both need to make agreements to minimize or extinguish it. However, there are occasions when the trust issues may come from past experiences or low self-esteem. Individual short-term in-depth therapy and couples therapy may help your partner and relationship heal.
2. Fostering intimacy.
Not all couples work the same way, and there is no recipe for a happy relationship. Therefore, it is vital to understand each partner's intimacy needs. Sometimes, one misses emotional intimacy while the other misses sexual intimacy. Women generally have different needs from men. For example, a woman usually needs to feel emotionally connected first to feel sexually intimate. You both need to communicate your needs and find ways to re-connect. Spending quality time together and expressing your own needs might help foster intimacy.
3. Developing commitment.
It is vital to understand that you are a nuclear piece once you are a couple. Couple is a singular word, which means they need to work together to fulfill common goals and support each other in their personal goals. Objectives and goals need to be clear for both, and it is pivotal to compromise. Changes may occur; however, you need to communicate and agree upon beforehand. Otherwise, the other part might feel betrayed, angry, and resentful.
4. Creating healthy communication.
I usually tell my clients, "it is not what we say, but how we say it." It is essential to learn to communicate to foster a safe, trusting, and non-judgmental environment. Therefore, talking about your feelings rather than pointing fingers is pivotal for healthy communication. Sometimes, you may carry negative experiences that may jeopardize your communication ability. Working in individual therapy (preferable in-depth therapy) is essential to release those emotions and foster healthier interactions.
Suppose you have one or more issues above, but they have not seriously jeopardized your relationship. In that case, there are ways to reset your relationship with your loved one. Proper and honest communication, quality time together, clarification of your needs, a contract or a ritual with agreed objectives to re-signify your experience and start fresh may help. If you feel that your relationship has been damaged by a pattern of the issues mentioned above, maybe the best thing is to seek help. An experienced licensed couples therapist might help you bring quality into your relationship.
Couples Therapy Works!
I am Noelia Leite; I am a licensed Marriage and family therapist, doctor in integrative health, and advanced clinical hypnotherapist. If you want to bring back love, joy, and quality of life into your relationship, contact me for a 15-min consultation, and I will let you know how I can help you.
